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MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin — It’s a tradition at most NBA games — the “Kiss Cam.” But when the camera caught at a man and a woman at Thursday night’s Milwaukee Bucks game, they were having none of it.

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He isn’t going to stop celebrating after touchdowns and wins, or walking off podiums in angry silence after his team loses. A white piece of paper covered in neat, tiny handwriting, Cam reading aloud from it. Otherwise he’s so perfectly proportional you wouldn’t notice the way he’s built, which is: densely. If someone stumbled out of the Alaskan wilderness tomorrow, wondering why we’re all so obsessed with this dumb, complicated game, you’d show them tape of Cam—against the Giants last year, maybe, the game where the Panthers led 35–7 in the third quarter, gave up the entire lead by the end of the fourth, only for Cam to rise up from the turf, unkillable like Michael Myers, and calmly drive his team to victory. Because it’s true, he looks fucking invincible out there. He started smoking cigars two years ago, he says; after the Super Bowl loss he started drinking white wine, too, mostly Chardonnays. “We all have life lessons that we most dearly learn from. All these so-called experts calling him, in effect, lazy.

They’re like weird stone formations you might encounter out in a desert. Seventeen wins in 19 games last season and he could care less. He orders a green tea and a Shirley Temple, extra syrup. If you control your choice of words, you can, you know, kind of go down from there.” He’s obsessed with testing himself. Dear my Father Lord, I thank you for waking us up this morning, starting us on our way, putting food on our table, clothes on our body, shoes on our feet. Let it be the nourishment of our body in Christ’s name. The waiters can’t get enough of him; they explain the menu so many times I think I might dream about it.

The man shook his head “no” as the camera was on him. After a few seconds, the man mouthed the words “That’s my mom.” When his mom looked up at the screen, she had a look of disgust.

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